Out of Context Peak Eelee Torture (H)
written at 5 AM with 0 hours of sleep by yours truly 'something that wouldn't appear in the novel for a looong, loooong time, probably.' It was a beautiful spring day. The first of the year, in fact. And it just so happened that Eelee needed to travel to the less industrial part of town. A perfect day, in the perfect-ish place, doing what Eelee loved doing the most; not being incarcerated. It had been a while since the Super Sleuth Bros. allowed him to do anything around here. Probably because he was a convicted felon. However, this time around, they graciously let him walk all the way across town to interrogate some leads for the case his teammates had been working on prior, as long as he changed his hair and had a fake name. Brolfie Dingle. This is why Yoshi should never be the leader, Eelee thought to himself. But at least Eelee could take his time. He woke up early. So early in fact, he didn't perform basic hygiene protocols. Armed with the attire of a struggling lower class alley-wanderer and a five o’clock shadow that put the sun itself to shame, Eelee looked like he was on his way to a soup kitchen. But that didn't matter. Eelee had the time to take in the beauty of nature. He'd been getting angrier and angrier as of late, so it was nice to finally have some time to cool down. The smell of the flowers, the cool breeze, and also the yellow police tape surrounding the ransacked house of the people he was supposed to talk to, which made Eelee so completely absolutely furious that he almost shouted his war cry right then and there in this family friendly novel. And Yoshi was there too, also, which didn't entirely help soothe Eelee’s nerves after taking the 3 hour walk across the entire city just to be cucked by the feds. “...Yoshi, what even?” “About time you got here, Junior Detective Brolfie. Sheesh! You'd think a guy like you could read a bus schedule.” The bus. The bus? Why did Yoshi even take a bus down here? “I thought you were letting me do this! And stop calling me Brolfie.” “I was! Until you decided to sleep in. A real rookie move, Brolfie. If you ever want to be an advanced junior detective then you’ve got some work to do.” Eelee checked his watch. It was 7 in the morning. But if there was one thing Eelee had learned after all these years, it's that you cannot win in an argument against Yoshi. “But I guess that doesn’t matter now.” “...Oh, whatever. And what happened here?!” Yoshi stood with a plate in one hand and a miserably burnt piece of toast in the other, which he was in the process of eating. Yoshi looked over at the disgruntled Eelee, and then back at the crime scene. “Muh? Oh, mm, that,” Yoshi stopped to crunch on his burnt remains of what could have been, before swallowing and nodding his head towards the scene, “they're dead. All of them.” “And how-” Eelee began, before being interrupted by the supersonic crunch of Yoshi's teeth biting into yeast flavored asphalt. Eelee seethed as Yoshi gave him a small grin. Composing himself, Eelee asked, “And how exactly did THAT happen?” Yoshi continued chewing, before swallowing and pausing, before popping the rest of the slab into his mouth, crumbs littering his suit. For every crunch emanating from Yoshi's mouth was a crunch Eelee wanted to replicate into Yoshi's spinal cord. “Ugh,” Yoshi said after he was finished chewing, “maybe I should stop having Rob cook my toast by hand.” “YOSHI!!” Eelee yelled while shaking Yoshi by the shoulders, causing a storm of blackened crumbs to fall to earth. Yoshi calmly pushed Eelee's hands off him, fixed his suit and straightened his tie, all the while giving Eelee some stink eye, before clearing his throat. “I dunno, what do I look like, a police officer?” Eelee was furious. Eelee ran up to the nearest police officer, a teal-skinned dragon sporting giant sunglasses. Eelee had already had his day ruined twice over. There was no longer time for any games. “Sir, I demand you tell me what happened here.” “What?” The officer sized Eelee up, who looked like as if he just got up from a nap on the sidewalk. “Go away! This is a police investigation, not a soup hotel!” That was it. All Eelee wanted to do is talk to some leads. But, oh no. They had to go and die. And then Yoshi had to go and exist. And then this police officer had the gall to deny the former hero of this stupid idiot city even one sentence of information. Eelee, reasonably, clocked the officer in the jaw. Two officers within the yellow tape looked over at Eelee, who was now attempting to wrestle away the officer’s baton. “Hey!” One of the officers shouted, “Captain Boomerang is being attacked by that filthy loiterer! Get ‘im!” The officers rushed over to Eelee and began imprinting his face onto the pavement. Jamie walked over to Yoshi, who was just watching the scene unfold, with a basket in his hand. “Hey, Yoshi, what's going on here?” Yoshi pointed to the house, “Junior Detective Brolfie's let our leads die. Guess he didn't take it very well. Go figure,” Yoshi said as Eelee screamed in agony after being tased. “So what's in the basket?” Jamie reached in the basket and took out a blackened corpse of a slice of bread. “Toast?” Yoshi shrugged, took the toast, and chomped into it. “What happened to the leads?” “Jacks said it was a break’n. Nothing stolen, just an old fashioned murder. Each of them executed with two shots to the back of the head, and some whack job wrote ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ on the wall with blood.” Yoshi took another bite of his toast. “Ugh.” “I see.” Jamie fished a piece of toast out of the basket and took a bite. “Mmhm, sounds like they knew that we knew that those guys knew what they shouldn'ta known.” “I'll say. Excellent deduction, Senior Detective Jamie.” “Thanks.” The pair of them continued eating their toast and watching Eelee’s skull make whoopie with the recently cracked sidewalk. That is, of course, until they let Eelee go. Jamie and Yoshi crossed the street, walking up to the crumpled remains of Eelee's pride and dignity, and his body, also. “Hey,” Jamie said as he lightly kicked Eelee, “get up, lazybones. Yoshi already had all the info we needed from these guys.” Eelee sluggishly stood up from his latest artistic masterpiece in the ground. Behind the messy concoction of dirt, scratches and blood on his face were eyes of pure resentment. “...Yoshi had what now…?” “Wow, Brolfie. You look terrible,” Yoshi said while reaching into the toast basket, “here. Have some toast.” Eelee smacked the toast out of Yoshi's hand and onto the sidewalk. Yoshi was frankly insulted by Eelee's blatant disregard for the environment. Jamie offered Eelee another piece. “Just take the damn toast, Brolf. It's good for the skin.” Eelee snatched the basket from Jamie's hands. “I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR STUPID TOAST!” Jamie scoffed at Eelee’s impotence and clear grainophobia. This just would not do. “HELP! POLICE!” Jamie shouted, “THIS HOMELESS GUY JUST STOLE MY BASKET!” “Yeah, and he littered too!” Yoshi added, helpfully. Eelee probably would have killed both of them if he had any air left in his lungs. “HEY!!!” Shouted the dutiful officers, “CAN'T DO THE TIME, DON'T THROW THE GRIME, LITTERING, LOITERING, HOMELESS, POLICE-ASSAULTING, MUGGER GUY!” Fortunately, Eelee's admittedly impressive shambling action was no match for people without broken ribs, allowing justice to be served once more. “You know, I'm really glad we sent Brolfie down here as a diversion,” Jamie nodded in approval of Eelee being scraped onto the sidewalk like an unwanted piece of gum, “that homeless guy disguise was top notch. He really knows how to take one for the team.” Yoshi nodded in approval of Jamie's nodding in approval. “So hey,” Yoshi began, “now that they're all distracted, wanna go search the house?” “Sounds like a plan to me.” Jamie took a bite out of the toast that Eelee foolishly declined. “Hey, you think Brolfie would mind if we spent some of his bail money on a toaster?” “Bail money? Aren't we completely broke?” “Oh, yeah.” Yoshi picked the toast Eelee had smacked out of his hand off the ground, which was now covered in ants. Yoshi took a bite of the monolithic toast. “Ugh.”